so this is what getting old is about

my best friend is on her way to qatar. my mom is dead. my dad is dead. my father is dead. i haven’t spoken to members of my extended family for months if not years. my brother is in germany where he fits right in with the Aryan mentality. Bryan is asleep.

I feel very alone. My annoying pseudo-manager is going away. This is a good thing. My real manager is pleased with my performance. The software guys are discovering that I do good work. It was a good day and, at the age of 42, I don’t have anyone to call to tell about it.

It feels kind of sad, but mostly it feels quiet. There’s no one to call, no one to rehash all the gory details with, no one to commiserate with. No one to be proud of me.

That’s the one that hurts. I spent so many years of my life trying to be worthy, trying to prove my worth. Trying to show that I was good enough. And now there’s no one around to see that I’ve made it.

Well, no one except me.

And you.

You know what? That’s enough. It really is. It really truly is.

Suddenly, something that was deeply upsetting not 30 minutes ago isn’t any more.