Happy Belated Solstice

I celebrated the summer solstice yesterday. Since a bonfire was not appropriate for our backyard, I lit a torch at dusk and watched the sun set on the longest day in the northern hemisphere.

After an awful weekend, I seem to be on the rebound. I saw my doctor yesterday and had an upfront and candid discussion with her about everything that’s going on in my life. She gave me a referral to the therapist in her practice. It’s expensive, but I’m going to find the money somehow, because I can’t wait three months for a spot to open up with the Canadian Mental Health Association. I think the weekend was so rotten (horrible mood swings, major irritibility, extreme fatigue) in part because my last cigarette was last Thursday (hey, that makes today a week cigarette-free). Yay me!

Dr K also has a referral for couple’s counselling, which is good. The relationship stress is causing me extreme emotional distress. I really really want my marriage to work and it scares me to death to think that this one too may fail. It scares me so much that I self-medicate in order to avoid facing that thought.

Dr K also asked me if I’d thought about “coming out” as a person with mental illness and an advocate for the same. She said I was extremely articulate about what was going on and it would help others as well. Interestingly, she said this shortly after I spoke about the feeling of shame that surrounds my psychiatric diagnoses. She also suggested volunteer work to give structure to my day.

The idea of being an advocate has occurred to me recently. I’m always loathe to commit to ideas that pop up in the midst of one of my “moods”, because I do tend toward bipolar. But this is one that I want to remember and think about. There is something here that resonates deeply and I don’t want to lose it.

Mood: Extremely mutable. The weekend rollercoaster has slowed a little, but I’m still being flung about hour to hour and moment to moment. I have moments that resemble panic attacks but the primary sensation is one of being completely overwhelmed. This sensation is intense and difficult to deal with. I’m so tired of the roller coaster. Plus, every move forward that I make seems to be followed by a severe backlash of self-loathing and self-attack. It’s like I’m fighting myself to prevent myself from getting better. I just had an image of Captain Kirk and the evil Captain Kirk fighting for supremacy. My mind is so weird.