That about sums it up these days. My brain has a very difficult time getting organized these days. It’s happened before at various times. When I sit down before a pile of work—rational mind tasks—just as I contemplate where to start first and what order to do things in, you know, prioritize, my brain freaks out. The anxiety builds very, very quickly until it reaches a panic state. I have learned how to stop it from escalating fully: stop, breathe, come back into this moment, and do something else. I can handle individual tasks: pay the rent, write a cheque, whatever. But figuring stuff out, my brain boggles.
I think I’ve moved past the denial stage, grieving seems to be the work of the present moment. I was a National Merit Scholar Honors scholarship recipient majoring in Astrophysics at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute when I was 17. I used to be very, very good at this. Maybe I will regain that ability again, as has happened before. But at least I’ve recognized what’s happening, which is the positive step.
And that’s why I am letting go of who I was and learning to celebrate today’s victories: getting the livingroom cleaned up, successfully planning and preparing a meal. Riding the waves of emotion as they come. Doing a design that thrills somebody. Playing with Brianna.
It does occur to me that most if not all parents of young children feel overwhelmed—I am not alone in that. But my inability to focus on large amounts of technical data and organize it is what makes me disabled from my former profession of technical writer. It’s entirely possible that it will never come back. Given that today, right now, it is not part of who I am (self). I need to learn how to function in the world of this and that. Chop wood, carry water.
Where do I go from here? I really don’t know. Forget the five-year plan, I’m working on 5 minute plans.
Ah, the patter of little feet. Time go be mommy. :)