Well, not really, but that’s the feeling inside. My practice has been to really pay attention to my emotions and I am seeing a lot where my emotions are completely out of sync with the day-to-day reality I live in. Yay me! Seriously, as a person with an emotional disorder that has been present from childhood, the ability to actually see this is a massive step forward. (I do forget that too.)
Right now, where I’m really seeing it is when I try and figure out what needs to be done next. I feel completely overwhelmed as my mind starts throwing out the list of things that need to get done. In past, my priority was to stop feeling overwhelmed by any means necessary. Today, I’m aiming for the middle way of (a) addressing the symptoms via relaxation, self-hypnosis, medication, and mindfulness and (b) not getting derailed completely from the tasks at hand. Most important is to not get sucked into failure mind, that whirl of incessant self-critical thoughts that maintains a tattoo of abuse. Yuck.
The emotional mayhem is highest surrounding paying bills and doing the finances. Technically, I’m very good at it. Emotionally, it derails me to see the pile of receipts and paperwork on my desk. I’m just doing the baby steps thing, one thing at a time and let go of the worry.
Again, fear and anxiety are the driving forces in the emotional mayhem. My only defense is to breathe and to start where I am. Not sure if it’s working yet…