Faith Mind

The Great Way is not difficult
for those who have no preferences.

When love and hate are both absent
everything becomes clear and undisguised

These are the opening lines to the Faith Mind sutra by Seng-Tsan, the 3rd Zen patriarch. Something in them calls to me, especially now.

I’ve been having these dissociative episodes, especially when I go to the supermarket. Something about the long lines of shelves and goods and the people makes me feel deeply overwhelmed. Things begin to feel unreal and far away. It’s scary and can bring on a panic attack. I’ve been avoiding going shopping in an attempt to avoid dealing with having another one. But we’re almost out of milk and it’s on me.

So I’m off to the grocery store and then to pick up Brianna from school. I don’t have to love BPD, but I need to let go of the hate and the fear. If it happens, it happens. I will be okay, in spite of what my emotion mind is telling me.

I just have to remember to breathe.

3 thoughts on “Faith Mind

  1. What I find interesting is that you have your dissociative episodes when you are at the supermarket. If food is associated with physical/spiritual nourishment, perhaps this is another manifistation of your mind punishing you. Does this help you?

  2. I don’t know what’s up with the supermarket. I think I dissociate in a different way when I’m at home and feel overwhelmed (which is often). More and more, I find myself avoiding public places because of this. Possibly, the supermarket is where it happens because I don’t go anywhere else.

    I wonder what will happen next week when I start taking the train downtown for my Wednesday groups?

    And Chris, thanks for that—you helped me remember to laugh and smile. :^)

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