Tuesday Tuesday

It’s a rainy day here, a rarity this summer. The couple of times I took Maggie to the leash-free dog park, I noticed that the ground was dry and cracked, like those pictures of dried up lake beds in National Geographic. So the rain is welcome, even if it is a bit late.

We’ve got 25 minutes before it’s time to walk Brianna to the bus, for the first time. Today she starts JK and I’m amazed and proud and wondering where the time has gone. I’m also reminded that I want to get better for her. Growing up with a mother who suffers from mental illness is no fun and I want better for her. And for me. I really don’t want to be like my mother, not just for my child, but for me.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and I asked him if I had borderline personality disorder. It was an interesting conversation. He doesn’t label people and considers the diagnoses more of a research tool for psychiatrists themselves. So he basically refused to say yes. What he did say was that I should go ahead and contact the CAMH BPD clinic, that my symptoms likely meet the criteria, and that I am on the right track for treatment (DBT). As far as the meds go, we’re already doing what would be recommended for borderline patients: SSRI plus atypical antipsychotics.

I left a message at CAMH to see about getting into the DBT skills group. It’s a 20-week program that would augment my primary therapy nicely.

I’m still struggling to accept this into my heart. I really want to deny this. Nobody wants this for themselves, so why is there so much stigma around it? Eh, there used to be stigma around cancer and we’ve pretty much managed to get over that, so maybe there’s hope.

In my quest to fix my body along with my mind, I’ve signed up for an 8-week pilates class. The stretching and core work are exactly what the physiotherapist was recommending for my bursitis plus I’ve heard tales of some nearly disabled folk improving with pilates. Consider it my body practice for fall Ango.

It’s going to be really important for me to practice this autumn. DBT is teaching me that mindfulness is one of the core skills for dealing with borderline, which explains why the times I’ve had the least trouble with it have been when my practice has been strong. Even if I can’t/don’t sit on my own, I can certainly set my timer and practice mindfulness several times a day. When I do practice like that, I definitely feel myself being calmer, less buffeted by the thought/feeling stream.

Time to get ready for the bus. I hope I’ve packed a good lunch for her. I gotta go shopping later for more lunch stuff. It’s gonna be a 15-min day, where I set my timer for 15 minutes and focus on getting one thing done. Yesterday, I took a seroquel and slept. That seems to have broken the crazy flow of anger that was coming.

Time to go.