The last month has been hell, on and off. My emotions are all over the place, mostly down and angry though. I have no resilience or patience, which makes life hard for my child. I feel guilty about this and the cycle continues. It’s not all bad–we have a new family member:
Meet Miss Maggie, also known as the Fluffy White Ball of Love(tm) who needs to be housebroken and learn not to pee on our bed.
Mostly, I’m tired. The bursitis has flared up with a vengeance, so I’m almost always in pain. The panic attacks are easing off, but my psychiatrist is encouraging me to rethink my career/job options. I don’t know how I’ll be able to go back to work after this, but since my short-term disability has been extended to October 16, it’s not a question I have to answer today.
Last week was particularly difficult. I experienced a rage attack, which ended up with me doing some (minor) self-harm in order to relieve the feelings. All around, not a good scene. However, this rage was directed at Brianna, so I consider it a success that she was not injured in any way, nor was she exposed to any kind of tirade of hate such as my mother used to visit on me when she was angry and raging. I’ll trade making myself bleed for hurting my child any day.
But really, neither is optimum. So, at my request, my psychiatrist has referred me to the local hospital’s outpatient mental health unit for some therapy. They have a program that I would love to get into: DBT, which includes a meditation component (mindfulness as taught by Jon Kabat-Zinn). However, the waiting list is closed because it is over a year long.
Somehow, I will keep on keeping on. Mostly, I want to sleep and not wake up until my life is better. Really, what I want is to not have to contend with a barrage of self-hatred and negative thoughts. I’m getting really worn down.
Puppy kisses are an excellent antidote however.