here we go again

Panic attacks.

I’ve begun the slide back into yet another round of depression and anxiety, likely triggered by the continuing stress at my current place of employment. Rumours of 50% staff layoffs abound. Management assures us that layoffs aren’t on the table. They also assure us that we aren’t going to be sold again.

What they don’t say is that if they were going to sell us, they would be able to say so. It’s so obvious that they are trying to sugar-coat the entire situation.

I can see where this is going, not so much for the company but for me. The roller coaster ride that is my emotional life continues. And I am resistant. I don’t want to go for this ride yet again. I don’t want to spend tomorrow and the next day feeling this aching hole in my chest, this inability to breathe, this ongoing panic and anxiety. This is just not worth it and I don’t want to go down this road, yet again.

I don’t want my brain to be broken. But it is. And now I don’t know how to proceed.

It occurs to me that I cannot wait for a full-blown meltdown to occur. I have a four-year-old child in the house, that is simply not an option. I don’t want to just up and quit my job, but no job is worth going through this.

I wish I knew how to proceed. I just want to make these feelings stop.

What feelings? Just let it go, zen girl, you may say. Yeah, that’s good. And when your leg is broken and I tell you to just let it go, whatcha gonna do? This is a disorder of the brain that expresses itself through thought and emotion, but the underlying brokenness is indeed a physical/chemical disconnect in my grey matter. I can’t stop thinking these thoughts no matter how much I want to. I’ll try to express what it’s like:

broken heart pain open gaping wound chest blown open too much too much get a knife cut it out peel away the flesh and expose the source pull it out make it stop make it stop make it stop not again oh god not again can’t breathe can’t breathe please god not again it feels like someone’s squeezing my heart please please please make it stop

Welcome to my world. I can’t stop crying.

One thought on “here we go again

  1. I am sending you hugs and positive energy. E-mail me if you ever want to talk or kvetch.

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