I feel like I’m walking through a fog, everything grey, misty, and hazy. I’m not sure of anything anymore: my physical health, my mental health, my family, my home. This life does not feel real.
Is that because it is not? Or is it because this life feels pale and wan in comparison to my crisis-filled past? Or is it a little from column a and a little from column b?
This was a bad morning. Perhaps it’s the fact that we all seem to be fighting off/coming down with cold bugs. Maybe it’s the onset of that time in my cycle I like to call “PMS hell”. Maybe it’s the onset of the bitter cold (-23C this morning, -10F for you imperialists). It’s also possible that Brianna’s “bad day” and her resultant attitude was a factor. It doesn’t matter in one sense, it’s done with and over. Yet I want to be cognizant of triggers and make a plan to avoid a repeat.
But the time for that is later. Now is time to practice letting go, slowing down, and practice the moment. It’s what I’m doing now, not what happened this morning. When emotions calm down (Ativan helped), then I can reflect. Now is time to take care of myself.
Difficult, difficult, difficult. Easy, easy, easy. More like, a little from column A and a little from column B. Now it’s time to bundle up!
Well, not really, but that’s the feeling inside. My practice has been to really pay attention to my emotions and I am seeing a lot where my emotions are completely out of sync with the day-to-day reality I live in. Yay me! Seriously, as a person with an emotional disorder that has been present from childhood, the ability to actually see this is a massive step forward. (I do forget that too.)
Right now, where I’m really seeing it is when I try and figure out what needs to be done next. I feel completely overwhelmed as my mind starts throwing out the list of things that need to get done. In past, my priority was to stop feeling overwhelmed by any means necessary. Today, I’m aiming for the middle way of (a) addressing the symptoms via relaxation, self-hypnosis, medication, and mindfulness and (b) not getting derailed completely from the tasks at hand. Most important is to not get sucked into failure mind, that whirl of incessant self-critical thoughts that maintains a tattoo of abuse. Yuck.
The emotional mayhem is highest surrounding paying bills and doing the finances. Technically, I’m very good at it. Emotionally, it derails me to see the pile of receipts and paperwork on my desk. I’m just doing the baby steps thing, one thing at a time and let go of the worry.
Again, fear and anxiety are the driving forces in the emotional mayhem. My only defense is to breathe and to start where I am. Not sure if it’s working yet…
The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill
rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is a beautifully written novel about the life of Aminata Diallo. Meena as she is known later is kidnapped from the interior of Africa at the age of 11 and sold into slavery. She escapes, makes her way to Nova Scotia, Sierra Leone, and ultimately London, England.
Hill’s research is thorough—the character’s life weaves in and out of facts and truths from the time.
Personally, it helped me to understand some of what my ancestors endured in their lifetimes as well as some of the history of how Africans lived and their own roles in the slave trade.
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