Koyaanisqatsi. Life out of balance. Crazy life. A way of life that calls for another way of living.
Borderline personality disorder.
Now what? There is a Zen koan that asks “How do you step off a 100-foot flagpole?” Where do I go from here?
If you’re Ron Fricke, it’s Baraka, or Blessing. How appropriate that his new film Samsara is due out this year.
I know that I am being called to live my life a different way, to step off of my perch, to find a new way of being. Perhaps it’s that I feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin. Perhaps I know that this is my last chance to wallow in self-pity. Perhaps it’s a little from column A and a little from column B.
What I do know is that I am scared. I’m scared to take an honest look at my behaviours and be truthful with my therapists. Hell, I’m scared to acknowledge to myself how I take what is in front of me and concoct a life that is horribly painful. I don’t know how to acknowledge that truth and also the truth that it isn’t my fault. If the momma don’t teach the cub how to hunt, the cub goes hungry. Usually, cubs die. I found a way to survive and the tools that I used to accomplish that are killing me.
You’d think that all my years at the monastery would help with this. And they do—I very likely would not be alive had I not gone to live there. But the tools of monastic practice don’t work so well in my life here as a solitary practitioner. I don’t have the community of support that exists in a monastery. And I need that support right now, I can’t do this on my own.
I don’t know how to proceed. In that not knowing, there is hope, not clinging hope but the hope that not knowing opens the possibility of moving forward.
Hell, I don’t even have to worry about moving forward. I just have to be, right here, right now.
Don’t know, just be. I can do that right now.