Job Not

No job with giant multinational software company. Found something on Craig’s List Torono and fired off a resume. The hunt continues.

Mood: overwhelmed and taking life in little tiny steps

Today’s Struggles

1. I’m waiting for a recruiter to call me back to let me know if I got a contract for technical writing for a large multinational software corporation. Not really my idea of a fun place to hang around in some ways, in others it’s great, ’cause I get to work with engineers and software developers. Invariably, I get to meet some very cool people. I have a fondness for geeks, being one myself. And I haven’t really nurtured that side of myself for a while—I haven’t really had the bandwidth. But the waiting to be judged worthy (where’d I get that notion?) is stressful.

2. There’s a dicotomy within myself that I am witnessing. On one hand, I’m slowly creating a much nicer atmosphere in my home. Being depressed does not lend itself to housework, let alone making a home. I tend to be a packrat (my maternal grandmother was a compulsive keeper of stuff–ick!). I also haven’t unpacked all of my boxes since we moved in almost 4 years ago. I met with a nutritionist and I am trying to put energy into creating healthy, nurturing meals. Like, practicing. On the other hand, I am also using my maladaptive coping mechanisms to (a) block out thinking about *something* and (b) to punish myself. I’m not sure where that self-destructive urge arises, but I have been trying to practice by witnessing and seeing myself as I go through everything. But the two sides seem completely at odds and I wonder why I am doing this to myself.

3. I think the something that I am trying to block out has to do with a serious problem that exists in my relationship with my spouse. I think we need counseling.

4. Making the calls to get the therapy I know I need is hard. There is a fear that arises, a dread of picking up the phone and talking to a total stranger about my psychiatric disorders. I called the MHSIO Mental Health Service Information Line (1-866-531-2600) and got a local number to call to actually connect with services. That’s the call I have to make today that is generating great fear.

5. An intermittent feeling of being utterly overwhelmed by it all that arises several times a day and demands my attention.

How to Cure Yourself from a Bout of Mental Illness 1

Tidy Up Time!

Clean your home. Get physical. Tidy your garden (if you have one). Clean your personal space. One of the things that people struggling with mental illness often have difficulty with is taking care of themselves and their space. The repeated exposure to uncleanliness and disarray is disheartening and feeds back into the loop of “You’re worthless”.

Getting dressed, washing our faces, brushing our teeth, and having a pleasant personal environment continually reinforces our self-worth and builds on pride of accomplishment.

Me, I’m steam-cleaning the kitchen carpet (hey, it’s a rental! not my idea to carpet the kitchen!), which hasn’t been done since we moved in.

These are the tiny first steps of our healing.