What’s the buzz, tell me what’s a-happening…

Random thoughts on the day before All Hallow’s Eve aka Halloween.

Mental status update: Much improved. Seroquel and its side-effects have been jettisoned, trying an herbal remedy that has been surprisingly effective so far. Still plenty of baggage to deal with. Willing to consider the possibility of happiness in my day-to-day life. Still need to relax and trust myself.

Work update: My first attempt at commercial design, a tall window topped by a half-circle window, was accepted by the customer. Yay me! I’m still volunteering at the studio 2–3 days a week.

Physical: After a round of nasty side-effects that nearly crippled me (see Seroquel reference above), I am greatly improved. Back down to just hip bursitis and occasional flare-ups of achilles tendonitis. I’m losing weight quickly—one to two pounds a week (see Seroquel reference above). Not doing as much Wii Fit as I’d like.

Art: Took a studio drawing class and found out that I can draw pretty darn well. Making time to practice art is more difficult, but remains a priority for me.

Family: Doing great! Bri is frighteningly precocious (shock!) and no longer afraid of me. Bryan finally has a job that actually appears to recognize and appreciate his knowledge and contribution. Yay Bry!

Dog: Has fleas. Much vacuuming, laundering, and combing.

All in all, it’s life, in all its messy gloriousness. Whee!

riding the coaster

The last month has been hell, on and off. My emotions are all over the place, mostly down and angry though. I have no resilience or patience, which makes life hard for my child. I feel guilty about this and the cycle continues. It’s not all bad–we have a new family member:

Meet Miss Maggie, also known as the Fluffy White Ball of Love(tm) who needs to be housebroken and learn not to pee on our bed.

Mostly, I’m tired. The bursitis has flared up with a vengeance, so I’m almost always in pain. The panic attacks are easing off, but my psychiatrist is encouraging me to rethink my career/job options. I don’t know how I’ll be able to go back to work after this, but since my short-term disability has been extended to October 16, it’s not a question I have to answer today.

Last week was particularly difficult. I experienced a rage attack, which ended up with me doing some (minor) self-harm in order to relieve the feelings. All around, not a good scene. However, this rage was directed at Brianna, so I consider it a success that she was not injured in any way, nor was she exposed to any kind of tirade of hate such as my mother used to visit on me when she was angry and raging. I’ll trade making myself bleed for hurting my child any day.

But really, neither is optimum. So, at my request, my psychiatrist has referred me to the local hospital’s outpatient mental health unit for some therapy. They have a program that I would love to get into: DBT, which includes a meditation component (mindfulness as taught by Jon Kabat-Zinn). However, the waiting list is closed because it is over a year long.

Somehow, I will keep on keeping on. Mostly, I want to sleep and not wake up until my life is better. Really, what I want is to not have to contend with a barrage of self-hatred and negative thoughts. I’m getting really worn down.

Puppy kisses are an excellent antidote however.

What is it?

What is it that helps you to love, to be real, to be free?
What is it that helps you to awake from the slumber of your conditioning?
What is it in your life that helps you to re-member truth?
—Robert Holden from “Happiness Now!”

If you listen to, if you listen to the water
You will hear the sound, you will hear the sound of life
—Traffic, “Hidden Treasure” from the album “The Low Spark of High-heel Boys”

Music, poetry, sitting, zen, caring for my home, caring for myself, reading, writing, learning to relax and just be.

Fortunately, my psychiatrist agrees that a short-term medical leave from work is needed to help be regain that equilibrium, that ability to deal with life that I seem to have lost lately. The key is to be gentle with myself.

My Life of Late

My life of late has mainly consisted of focusing on making it through the day. Everything, from getting out of bed to brushing my teeth to preparing food is taking an immense amount of effort. And the most effort of all is going into getting me to and through work.

As Bryan put it, “Yep, you’re back to work,” (after the panic attacks) “but other than that, you’re a basket case.”

Question: When I look at the distribution of effort over tasks, does it align with my core values, the things most important to me?

Question: What’s most important to me?

Answer: Taking care of myself and my family.

Answer: Not so much.

I need a reset, a hard reset. Where’s that button for my brain?

here we go again

Panic attacks.

I’ve begun the slide back into yet another round of depression and anxiety, likely triggered by the continuing stress at my current place of employment. Rumours of 50% staff layoffs abound. Management assures us that layoffs aren’t on the table. They also assure us that we aren’t going to be sold again.

What they don’t say is that if they were going to sell us, they would be able to say so. It’s so obvious that they are trying to sugar-coat the entire situation.

I can see where this is going, not so much for the company but for me. The roller coaster ride that is my emotional life continues. And I am resistant. I don’t want to go for this ride yet again. I don’t want to spend tomorrow and the next day feeling this aching hole in my chest, this inability to breathe, this ongoing panic and anxiety. This is just not worth it and I don’t want to go down this road, yet again.

I don’t want my brain to be broken. But it is. And now I don’t know how to proceed.

It occurs to me that I cannot wait for a full-blown meltdown to occur. I have a four-year-old child in the house, that is simply not an option. I don’t want to just up and quit my job, but no job is worth going through this.

I wish I knew how to proceed. I just want to make these feelings stop.

What feelings? Just let it go, zen girl, you may say. Yeah, that’s good. And when your leg is broken and I tell you to just let it go, whatcha gonna do? This is a disorder of the brain that expresses itself through thought and emotion, but the underlying brokenness is indeed a physical/chemical disconnect in my grey matter. I can’t stop thinking these thoughts no matter how much I want to. I’ll try to express what it’s like:

broken heart pain open gaping wound chest blown open too much too much get a knife cut it out peel away the flesh and expose the source pull it out make it stop make it stop make it stop not again oh god not again can’t breathe can’t breathe please god not again it feels like someone’s squeezing my heart please please please make it stop

Welcome to my world. I can’t stop crying.